God is Still God

I don’t know how to put it any other way, but I feel like shit today. I woke up this morning so encouraged to hear God speak, to worship Him, and by the end of the day I feel fat, lonely, and defeated. I feel so lost I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel stranded with nowhere to go internally. I feel like there are so many gaps in my life right now. And I’m trying to make sure I fill them with the right things, but it gets harder every day. Trust me I haven’t lost hope, I know God is a great God, but I know He is a God who tests us and brings us through trials to make us stronger. But it’s hard. I feel no sense of purpose out here, I’m doing absolutely nothing and I hate it. I know God has brought me out here to expand my view of life. My ministry outlook and worldview has to be bigger than PA, New Jersey, and Indiana. I have to be a part of ministry that knows homelessness that knows racial injustice that knows poverty, hell I’m on the verge of it. There’s a whole world in need, I have to get involved with it
It sucks at times because I really have to start over. Everything is beginning from a new and I’m trying to find myself in the midst of it. I’m becoming anew woman, but I don’t even know what I’m reaching for. There’s just so much going on within me and externally. I’m trying to gain confidence little by little, I’m trying to find a job, I’m trying to find a sense of purpose, I’m trying to discover my call, I’m trying to make decisions in my life and I don’t hear a darn thing. God chooses to speak when He feels like it but goodness its hard waiting sometimes. I am such an emotional wreck.
In the midst of it all God is still God. I will remain faithful, because I have to; it’s the only thing I know how to do. No I will remain faithful because that's what my heart draws me to do. I call on Him and I’ll knock on His door ever day just hoping that I get an answer. But maybe it won’t come the way I want. Maybe God is just calling me to be responsible and make decisions for myself to build the woman I want to become. I wish this road wasn’t so lonely, but maybe it has to be, but I don’t want it to be that way because I chose it to be that way.
 
P.s. Excuse my word choice. I do apologize.

After several hours of going through the day I decided to get past my self and the pain in my adominals by kicking back a nice dosage of Advil and some water. And poof my attitude changed, what a magic trick. But the most important part is that I got beside myself. Today I was able to focus on something other than myself after realizing how much of an internal whiner I am. And suddenly, I just feel good. But not a good that can come from an Advil, Aleve, or any other type of drug. I just feel good. I guess simply because GOd's goodness is in me. That's the most pleasing feeling in the world.

I am pleased to see how much joy God has placed in my heart and given me so much security. He has given my passiona and desire. He has given me a pat on the rear end and pushed me along; given me a boost kind like Red Bull but without the wings. I am sincerely inspired by so much. I can't even described it. It's funny how my mind is finding the words to say, because I had absolutely no intention to talk about this. But right now I am beginning to take the proper steps to become a writer. I have officially written it as a part of my life goals and by gee golly gosh I am trying to make it happen. I've begun to go over my poems and writings again. I even designed a cover. Woop woop. I'm just inspired by life right now. By people, by friends and family, by my environment. For instance there is this woman who I pass nearly everyday. And she usually always finds something nice to say to me by giving me a compliment. The first time I walked pass her, I gave her eye contact and said hello. And she replied, "Hi you doing beautiful. Yes you are beautiful" Another time she called me a nubian queen. I was just blushing with joy. Just the other day I passed her and she asked for a dollar for food and ofcourse I gave it to her. The store was right there. Thinking about our acquiantance I am encouraged to know that we have so much to give and we can give so much in little ways. Sometimes we see value only monitarily. Sure I helped her out by giving her a dollar but she helped me by encouraging me those days I walked passed her after job hunting and feeling discouraged at times.

I am inspired by life and I am living. I am inspired by God and I'm living because of Him. I will close by putting an Amen stamp on that!

Awkward Moments

Every now and again I tend to go through my little emotional tangent where I feel like no one gets me. But yay God I have not experienced it in a while but I now realize why I felt that way so often; why I felt that no one really got me. Here's the final answer, the lights grow dim and the spotlight is on, the dramatic music plays and comes to a halt. The answer is: A. I am weird! I mean other people, at least the ones who get to know me think I'm pretty cool, and I think so too, but I know that I'm a weirdo. Not in a wacky way though; probably had you worried for a second.

Ok so how did I come to this realization. Pleassee let me tell you! Well I was talking to my dearest and closest friend who told me about a person he had an encounter with. He begins to list some of her characteristics, behaviors, and interactions with other. As I am listening, I realize I relate to some of these things all to well. With my head cocked to the side and my eyes wandering aimlessly falling into semi deep thought I say to myself, "That's me. OO shoot that's me." Luckily I'm at a mature stage in my life where I can laugh about it all or else I would be crying deeply in my pillow. Haha. Let me proceed to give you a list of things I've noticed:

1. I'm boring!
Well I am funny, but only with people I know pretty well or people I get an instant connection with

2. The best way I know how to connect with people is when I know their dealing with something or more of a deeper context. By nature I love to help people and sadly enough by nature I don't know really know how to interact with people. Bummer right. I know!

3. In relation to #2 I can be socially awkward because at times I don't know what to say around people. I hate being in large crowds, I don't like talking on the phone because I don't really ever have anything to say or know what to ask, I don't really like parties or social events. Especially when you get into circles and everyone asks the same dang questions and it feels like the evening is on replay. THat's boring to me!

4. I am a loner, and that's why I am alone.

I always wondered why people never called me to hang out as much as I would like and its because I'm boring. Now that makes me laugh hysterically. I find some hope in this .I am a weirdo but I don't have to be.

So I did two things to remove myself from this cycle. Usually when people invite me to large crowds I decline and accept a beautiful invitation to sit at home, watch movies, write , paint, or play the Sims. So today I went to this little greeters reception at church to meet some people and learn more about the church.It was kinda lame but I got 1/4 of a muffin and a little piece of pastry. Check yes. Tonight I went to an event to get to know my neighbors within the apartments. I wanted to leave within the first 10 minutes probably was five if I actually looked at the time. But I stayed for 50 minutes although I was the first to leave. I felt awkward.lol. Well hey it was a step dangit.

Well I still have a lot of work to do. But cheers I making strides.

P.S. I want to give a shot out to my dad because he ignited this inner search I've started to journal. Thanks to mi madre for always being honest about the things she sees. I guess I do have some tough skin to shed. Amen for parent!

Home isn't always safe

Please, please, please let me explain myself. This blog is definitely not what you think. Let me clarify that I love my home, the home I grew up in and I love my parents. But that's not the home I am referring to. I am referring to the home within ourselves. The familiarities that we have developed over time, that makes us feel at home, makes us feel safe, and makes us feel comfortable. Last night I was trying to sleep, and there was a phrase that continued to play in my mind. Frantically, I could hear this voice say, "Come home! Come home! Come home" over and over again. No, I am not crazy or psychic or whatever assumptions you may have about me at this point. But like you probably are I was a bit surprised and confused. This little weird episode frustrated the mess out of me too, I just wanted to go sleep and I'm hearing this. I thought I was crazy but maybe it was God's way of speaking to me.

So here's how the story comes full circle. Today my roommate had some guest over; two of some her dearest friends. I think in a way I might have offended her guest by staying my room. She made a comment asking if I was afraid of her. I know she was joking, but as I sat here in my room I was inclined to think of the effect of my actions towards others and toward me. When I got back to my room and began to pray I thought, " Nashira you need to get out". I needed to get out of this bubble I created and interact, get involved. And then it came to me; I had an "Ohhhhhhhh" moment, understanding the connection between last night and today's.

I'm learning that I run home a lot. I run home to things that are familiar, where I know things will remain the same unless I change it myself. I run home afraid to let others in and afraid to let myself out. I run home to things that will fill up any emptiness I have. Not to say that I am feeling empty right now, but I see how this concept filters into other parts in my life. There is no safety in this, this is just a harmful chain reaction that can lead me in the wrong direction. For example, to shed even more light on the situation. Today was not a good day for me, it was quite overwhelming at points. By the end of the day I didn't care much about anything. I wanted to run home to old habits. I set out in my mind that I was going to buy some food that was bad for me without any guilt. I felt entitled to that Debbie apple pie( you remember the 50 cent ones with the glaze over top and apple topping surrounded by I think a fried crust or baked. Who cares it's good)because I wasn't feeling good, although I shouldn't spend my money on frivolous things especially when I'm darn near broke. Luckily, at the time there was nothing in the store that was quite appetizing , but my roommate bought me cheesecake later on that evening. I didn't eat it as a means of comfort by that time. I hope that doesn’t ruin the point. If it did sorry. Ok, so all that to say, by seeking out bad food I was going back home to what was familiar; to my eating habits that are apart of the reason for my obesity today.This is not where I want to find security, nor let my heart get content with my actions, that only hinder me,although at times it may feel as if it strengthens me.

With all this in mind I think of the time Jesus is speaking to a wealthy man and he tells him to leave all his wealth behind and the man walks away sad. Wealth was his home, he didn't understand a life otherwise. He didn’t understand that God would bless him once he got out of that box, out of the home he built for himself. If we chose to get outside of the homes we built for ourselves and venture out into a whole new realm that is bigger than what we thought, God will bless that an honor that, exposing us to greater things. It’s like the term enlarge my territory Lord. How can our territory be enlarge if we aren't willing to get acquainted with something new. God is not going to bless us with more if we are going to let what he gives us sit and waist away. It's like receiving five acres of land and taking care of only one, while letting the rest wither and die. So today I say to myself and maybe this is an encouragement to you, "Get out!" And once I do, once you do, and we do, God is going to show us some amazing things.

Smiley Face

One day while with my mom, she called me out on a habit that I perform quite often. I walk with my head down. She told me this approximately 2 years ago. And I concurred fully aware that I don't really give people eye contact when I pass them on the streets. Upon other observations, I noticed it's easier for me to say hello to a female stranger than it is a guy; it's not that I am fearful of males , but maybe find myself more self conscious around them. But, gradually this habit is going away; every now and then I give people eye contact, but I think I definitely don't hold my head down as much. Personally, sometimes I think I do it because I'm thinking. If you know me well, you know that I think a lot.

So what's the point? I'm getting there. Being here in Cali I find myself smiling more. I wasn’t all smiles and joy getting use to the heat. Walking around in Pasadena some days feels like I'm sinning and too close to hell. JK. No but I find myself smiling more even if my days isn't going well. I am beginning to surprise myself because I am saying hello to people on the street. Isn't odd I find myself a bit more friendlier with people in an area which would be categorized as unsafe in some eyes. I found myself saying hello to men, not that I was attracted to any of them, but just being cordial.

But that fact is, I'm walking down the street just smiling for no reason at all. I'm not frowning unintentionally scaring people away from approaching me, but I am smiling with content in my heart and maybe just a bit more confidence. I know this sounds cheesy but I feel good, it's all quite refreshing. I think I becoming a new person everyday.

Reverse Psychology: Sometimes it really works!

So I did something really dumb today, well possibly not as dumb as I would like to think. But I decided to be bold today and I applied for a position I didn't think I was qualified for or at least was afraid to apply. Prior to my lovely bold job hunt and applying hoopla I had a brief conversation with my mother. I told her the job hunt was not going as well as I would like ( that's real life for you). I was a bit hesitant to apply for ministerial jobs because I don't feel as though I am ready. My plan is to find a church and to get heavily involved serving as volunteer, youth leader, and interning under a pastor. Little baby steps is what I would prefer. But I notice with a BS in Christian Ministries there are not many jobs I can apply for and you know what I'm not even trying to be picky right now. Well just a little.

So anywho, I took a leap. There was this paper I had on my desk for a while. It's one of those tabs that you pull of a flyer. This particular flyer was for a job working at a church. Here's the ting on the little slip it just has contact info so I definitely forgot what church it was from and what position. On the back of the slip was office assistant which I wrote myself sometime ago.

Well in either case, I emailed the contact person, confident thinking I was applying for an office assistant position but not fully sure. Well minutes later I receive a email saying thank you for applying for the youth director position. Are you kidding me! The very thing I was running from is the very thing I applied for. Seriously I can see God laughing at me hysterically. All I can do is laugh to myself but in all honesty I wonder, " What is God thinking right?".

Instantly after realizing what I applied my spirit got eager and my nerves began to kick in. I thought to myself omigoodness I need to read this, I need to go over my notes from college, I need to learn this. Its sad that the thing I was running from seemed to motivate me or encourage me to do what I'm most scared to do.

So what was God thinking after my act of stupidity? Was He thinking Nashira I want you to stop being fearful of using the gifts that I called you to use. I want you stop relying on your own capabilities, because if you step out a little bit more, I will guide you the rest of the way." Some may say that coming out to Cali was a big step and it was, but it didn't seem so hard to do. But this, walking into the role of a pastor scares me the most. When I say I feel unqualified, I mean it. But God is equipping! But God is mentoring me! But God is strengthening me day by day to walk in His favor.

So here's to another day of losing myself, loosing the insecure me.

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."


Matthew 10:39

Stars: A moment of Reality

You ever have those experiences in life that will forever remain with you. It's as if you can go back to that moment and experience all of its senses and emotions, the people you were around and what they meant to you. One of those very memories existed on the grounds of Mont Lawn Camp. I remember asking the Lord days before this moment to give me opportunity to really have a great, impactful moment when dedicated women of God and I could fellowship. The night came. Two other friends and I somehow came together and found ourselves gazing at the stars on the black top. There was something so beautiful about that night as the stars seemed to gleam so much brighter and the Pennsylvania mountain air seemed so sweet, and the breeze felt so precious. It was as if we gazed at the stars as if we were having a conversation with it.
So much happened that evening. The entire night was eventful within itself. We got rained because we were the courageous three who decided to sleep outside the tent.To find shelter we went to the side room of the chapel at 4:00 am and fell asleep to a Land Before Time. Prior to that we were in the chapel praying for one another and affirming abilities and gifts we saw in one another. There was something special about that night, there was something special in that starry night. That night we sat outside looking at the stars just taking in our lives, our experiences and really just spending time with God. A year and months passed since then, but every time I see a starry night its like I go back to that very moment where I remember a moment of peace and serenity. I can remember that hopeful calm knowing that God was doing something great in our lives. Every time a beautiful starry night appears I am reminded that God is still making a way. I am reminded that there are people all over this country who love me and pray for me. I am reminded of two friends who pray for me.

At times I wish I had those starry nights where I could just think hopeful and be reminded that God is working everything out for me as I speak. Right now as I look at my life I would say that I am grateful for where God has called me. My current circumstances are not as ideal as I would like but I know God is working in my favor.
Still its a funny feeling. Maybe you can relate. You ever find yourself in God's waiting room. It's like going to an interview. You worked so hard and acquired the skills that you believe will help you get to the next pinnacle, to the next stage so to speak but you find yourself in the waiting wondering if you will move on or be summons to wait a little longer and work a little harder. Right now I am in my waiting room wondering what's the next level for me. At times I find myself discouraged wondering "when will that time come". Have I prepared myself well enough? Did I forget something? There are times in the day where my spirit grows anxious and I wonder if I made the right move in moving out here. But of course I know I did, because I followed God's call. But I have to remind myself not to get caught up, as it so easy to do. All I can say is that I am here Lord and I believe, I have hope, I know I am loved, I have peace, and I know that I know that I know you will work everything out for me. Amen

Risk Taker

So I finally took a huge risk in my life; I moved to California. Why? Solely because God told me too. I just recently graduated from college and praying diligently about what the next step should be and he revealed it to me in a cute, sly way. Although I would not list one of God's attributes anything near sly but you know how God moves and shows you things in places you never expected. For me it was in a movie and through a gift that I received confirmation. Huh who would of known. But here I am in California still shocked after an official week of being here. It's like I've been dropped off in a foreign land. But God is beginning to work through this time of official being out on my own with no family near, no friends, or anything near me. Right now I just have me and a cool roommate who I am getting to know and already appreciate. But as I am beginning to understand and make my way through this foreign place God is making me aware of the things that have become foreign within myself. He's gradually opening my eyes to passions I have and encouraging me to get out of my comfort zone and follow my passion. He's encouraging me to use my talents and reach out for more. I have the ability to be whoever I want to be out here. No one knows me, but I can choose to make myself known. The reality is I have to, because I can’t survive on the opposite side of the country alone. Reality is at this age in my life I can't let fear and insecurity hold me back.

After graduating from college reality seems to hit you hard and fast. It's like an emotional roller coasting where you feel so accomplished after achieving something you worked years for and then realizing you have so many years left to accomplish much more. It's like working hard to get ahead of the game and sometimes you feel as if you are right back at the end of the line. The cycle begins again for some of us; and sometimes that cycle goes a bit slower for us than the rest. But knowing this cycle or journey I am on or you are on not matter what age or stage in life we can’t sit waiting for things to happen for us. We can't let fear be our permanent shadow reminding us of what we can't and shouldn't do.

So today I am encouraged to try something new, at least try. I am encouraged to get out of myself, to get out of this shell and try. If I want to grab some canvases, paint and try to sell them what's the worst that can happen. No one buys them and I get to hold on to the beautiful things I cherish and created. I am encouraged to sing at a local coffee shop, and let my voice be heard. What’s the worst that can happen, well I can suck truthfully, that's a possibility, but the courage that it took to do something like that is valuable within itself.

Just today I heard Obama speak to the nation about education and he proceeded to say that failure in a lot of ways is our biggest motivator; it is what thrives us for success. So even if I fall once I have taken a risk it just makes it easier to do it again. Eventually I will succeed.

But on the other hand we shouldn’t take risks on everything, we have to know our battles amen. I would definitely encourage spending time in prayer for God to really inspire the gifts and talents He wants you to use. But I would also say don't make such a big deal about it and get all frantic "just do it like" Nike says. Easier said than done, right? Yeah I know. Hey just take small steps. You don't have to move across the country.

In closing I moved to California, knowing that God has something amazing for me here; knowing that I am meeting up with the woman God wants me to be. But if I want to be that I have to take risk, I have to be flexible, I have to be spontaneous, I have to ask for help, I have to get out of my comfort zone.

Take risks! Start today if you can.

IDK: A personal setback

I don't know is declared as one of the most frequent phrases used amongst people. Nothing at all shocking about that; it seems like a normal part of our vocabulary to express our awareness in a particular situation. It's funny how that term is used to express our situational wellbeing. Have you ever found yourself answering a question with "I don't know" simple because you don't feel like exerting the energy to answer the question whether it be a long or short answer. For you, it just might not be a good day or a good moment, in which you really just don't feel like speaking. Maybe you use this phrase because you actually don't know. Or you say it because your insecure.

I use to always get on my dad for getting on me when I would ask him questions. I could tell he would get annoyed because he would reply with several questions trying to pull the answer out. At times I felt like an idiot as he would ask me questions but it was just his way of saying, "You know the answer". I guess I was afraid of being wrong. Maybe I didn't want the disappointment that came from being wrong .

In either case, this thought of I don’t know came from a simple conversation with my roommate. She discovered one of my talents from my big mouth sister who promotes my gifts as if she is my manager or agent. Before I told her that at times I get shy when singing in front of others, and at times I don't like to. Not to toot my own horn, yes I do think I have a good voice but I guess that's just the way I felt. She proceeded to ask me why I didn't want to sing in front of others, and can you guess what my response was….. I don't know. Hmm, this simple conversation has me thinking. Really analyzing my response. I told her maybe I was insecure. "Huh maybe, Nashira? Maybe?"

I began to see that my I don't know's have become an excuse to continue on with life without question. Without my own self the deep questions of why. Why am I insecure about singing in front of others when God has blessed me with a gift to touch others with my must. There has to be a time when our I don't knows especially the ones that pertain the person we are inside has to be answered.

Have you asked yourself the hard questions today and wondered why you do the things you do or say the things you say. I don't know is not enough. We all have a responsibility to ourselves; to our well beings. Because the I don't knows grow like fungus and entrapping us into a place where its even harder to get out. That's when our habits turn to addictions because we having answered the I don't know's of our lives. Or maybe you become like me where my lack of confidence has flooded into other areas of my life year by year and I'm stuck wondering how did I get there.

Don't let your I don't know's become your new illness.

Bad Habits

Oasis

You can call food my "emotional oasis"
It seems that when I find myself in a desert place or what seems like it may get there
I run to the pit and perch my lips to the bliss which I believe will fill my emptiness
Even if it had no taste I would embrace it
My emotions right now I cannot face it
So I draw near to this habitual sin that calls me throughout the day and night
Captured by its scent I don't take flight
I have the control to eat what I like but I can't control this urge as I eat all that I like

Wish I did have the strength to fight
As I indulge myself
What's not so encouraging now, was encouraging then
Because now I don't look the same way I looked then
So I get depressed again knowing I'm trapped and will soon go back to then
And I think to myself "when"?

When will things change, when will I take control over my habits
At this point I think I've had it
But I think about food sometimes and wish I had it
Especially in times that helps me fill my habit
Those times when I feel as though a part of me has been stolen by a bandit

Maybe I over dramatized this poem but this issue is important
Cause there are girls and boys, men and women who find strength in what feels their stomach

As our bellies grow bigger, our esteem grows thinner, our control grows distant, and our wall gets thicker.