I've been able to reflect on a lot since the last few months. I've been thinking about my life and where I want to be; goals I would like to reach; new hopes and dreams. I've thought of my behaviors, my strengths, and weaknesses and where they have lead me. Most importantly I've thought of my relationship with God.
Today as I was reading a book called Compassion, forcing myself to be productive on a Saturday although feeling tired with school being the last on my mind. But as I was reading this book for some reason I just felt compelled to spend time with Jesus in a way that I hadn't before. I went to my room sat on my bed and just worshipped. I began with Come Lord Jesus Come, as I response to welcoming Him in. Afterward I just let the words flow from my lips and worshipped him in song. Lastly I found myself on my knees in a position I hadn't prayed in, for a while. From that point everything that came out of my was so refreshing, enlightening especially for the journey that I have been going through.
Since September I found myself saying to the Lord during our time together, " I am here". But as I reflect I can here them in so many different tones and attitudes. "I am here" with enthusiasm as enter Cali for the first time, responded to God as if I had arrived to the exact place he told me to be. "I am here" with a feeling of anxiousness awaiting God's next demand of me,eager to serve. " I am here" feeling slightly ignored awaiting God's reply. "I am here" slightly upset and feeling abandoned. Feeling disappointed because I feel as though my expectations of how things were suppose to go weren't fulfilled. "I am here!" lost within myself, desperate for answers, presenting myself before the Lord weak wondering what else do you want me to do, "I am here" just as you told me.
Maybe I had to go through that three month long journey which seemed like forever struggling in my weakness, struggling with my future, and the map that I made for myself, struggling seeking God's direction. But as I enter this new year I can give God so much more than I am here. I can respond to Him with a new strength that most times can only come from suffering. I can respond and say that I am willing and able. Willing and able according to God's timing, according to God's plan. I'm giving him the clean sheet of paper and pen to write my story. I am ready in a way that I couldn't have been months ago. Now I am ready without prejudice, pride, false strength, leaving behind stubbornness and walls that only leave me like a teenager stuck in one room in a 20 room mansion. There has to be much more than being present but being a presence. It's like a teacher calling attendance making note of every child, but there are some who never really seem there.
So I am saying to God I want to be here. I am here.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Work Your Eternal
Well this is the point that had to come as a part of my transformation into a new place. Although I'm loving California, learning the culture and the people, understanding the vibe, at the same time a part of me is ready to return home. I need some familiarity in my life. What I long for most is connectedness, to feel apart of something, to have a sense of community, to feel loved in the present and not from hundreds of miles away. Honestly I am getting frustrated trying to find a purpose, trying to find something to truly work toward besides getting my Masters. I feel like a dazed cartoon, with a bunch of questions hanging over my head, just waiting for that light bulb to blink. That's kind of funny. But of course I can't complain for the light bulb moments I've already had. For what God has already done in my life and how He is transforming me. I know I wrote in Fast Track how fast things were going and I still feel that way. It's like looking at a person with a power to run ridiculously fast, like Nathan Petreli or Daphne from Heroes. He or she could probably run from one place and back within a blink of an eye. It's like you're going fast but at times you feel like your standing still. I hope I'm making sense, I know my thoughts can be somewhat out there. But like I said I'm thankful for what God is doing.
This morning I woke up and got in the word and read 2 Corinthians. Can I say that I really like Paul, I mean he tells it like it is. As I was reading 2 Corinthians, it talked about going through light afflictions, which is the case for me and may be the case of others. While we are going through them we can get pretty upset in the now, for the things we are encountering. But the Word says these afflictions that are for just a moment, temporary are working for something far greater. These momentary are working for us yall, they are working for us. " While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. Or the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." Right now I'm at a point where I feel there's a lot I don't see and a lot I don't understand and quite frankly I want to know. What I see is that I'm struggling. What I see is that I am getting a Masters but what am I working towards. If I focus on this I'm going to be going in circles for the three years of this program. What I need is to let God Work His Eternal. I'm putting this little minute affliction, this momentary affliction in God's hands saying, "God do your thang" cause I know something good is down the line. I have my faith and I'm going to keep believing something great will come so that by the end you will be glorified. Amen. So God work your Eternal.
This morning I woke up and got in the word and read 2 Corinthians. Can I say that I really like Paul, I mean he tells it like it is. As I was reading 2 Corinthians, it talked about going through light afflictions, which is the case for me and may be the case of others. While we are going through them we can get pretty upset in the now, for the things we are encountering. But the Word says these afflictions that are for just a moment, temporary are working for something far greater. These momentary are working for us yall, they are working for us. " While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. Or the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." Right now I'm at a point where I feel there's a lot I don't see and a lot I don't understand and quite frankly I want to know. What I see is that I'm struggling. What I see is that I am getting a Masters but what am I working towards. If I focus on this I'm going to be going in circles for the three years of this program. What I need is to let God Work His Eternal. I'm putting this little minute affliction, this momentary affliction in God's hands saying, "God do your thang" cause I know something good is down the line. I have my faith and I'm going to keep believing something great will come so that by the end you will be glorified. Amen. So God work your Eternal.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Vision Caster
Yesterday evening I was graced with a beautiful imagery while sleeping. In this dream I went home to visit my family and I had lost weight. I know that whoever might be reading this may say "whoop tee doo, who really cares" but for me this dream is a starter for me. In ministry, they say that one of the keys to success is to have a vision. I mean that's why people have themes, quotes, and scriptural references to counter a focus leading them to an ultimately goal. I think of the saying, " seeing is believing" and think of this dream. Because I was able to envision myself and how I would not only look but feel loosing weight, I was encouraged and moved to take action. I was encouraged by this stamped impression in my mind because I could see what my hard work would produce.
Just recently made a goal to discipline myself, so I created somewhat of a daily morning list of tasks. I wake up and I pray, no matter how my night was or how I feel. "No matter" had to be a demand with this discipline because like a lot of people I find it hard to present myself before the Lord when I mess up or do something contrary to my beliefs. But the truth is what ever is messed up or out of line in my life only God can fix. Amen. If we have done wrong God's the first person we should present ourselves to because God has the capability to correct all wrongs and forgive all sins. . This is the same reason why I make it a high priority to open the Word after I pray every moment. After my devotion I have to do sit ups and pushups. Sounds simple I know, but each week make it more difficult by adding more reps. But here's the catcher, the pushups were mentioned in the dream. In the dream I was cut, my muscles were evident and it was because I was persistent. Great dream right? I can still remember how I felt. I was so proud of myself but at the same time I was sort of nonchalant about it all because it became a part of my life style. This is what I want and this is what I believe God has called me to. I know that God is calling me to be healthier and I want to follow his command.
In either case, I was encouraged by this dream because I was able to envision my self and see the success of what my persistence could bring. Now know that I am not naïve and think that I can lose 15 lbs just doing sit ups and push ups alone. Duh. But this is a motivator. I have already been more conscientious of what I eat, especially since I buy my own food. Still need to break this soda habit. I've been on this Coca- Cola craving for like a month. I think they put the coke back in it! Anyway to get to the point. A big part of our success is casting vision of where we want to be or where we could be. Be a dare devil and even vision the impossible and see God work through that. This week I had the pleasure of hearing a pastor from Chicago speak. He created a ministry within the community, with little to no money. He thought it was impossible but God made it possible and now today he is the author of a book that encourages pastors all over the country. So, as we are beginning to break out of this insecure phase in our lives( notice I said phase because we are transitioning into something better) cast vision. Begin to see yourself as you wish to see yourself, without any thoughts of what others want. Seek God and see what He wants.
Just recently made a goal to discipline myself, so I created somewhat of a daily morning list of tasks. I wake up and I pray, no matter how my night was or how I feel. "No matter" had to be a demand with this discipline because like a lot of people I find it hard to present myself before the Lord when I mess up or do something contrary to my beliefs. But the truth is what ever is messed up or out of line in my life only God can fix. Amen. If we have done wrong God's the first person we should present ourselves to because God has the capability to correct all wrongs and forgive all sins. . This is the same reason why I make it a high priority to open the Word after I pray every moment. After my devotion I have to do sit ups and pushups. Sounds simple I know, but each week make it more difficult by adding more reps. But here's the catcher, the pushups were mentioned in the dream. In the dream I was cut, my muscles were evident and it was because I was persistent. Great dream right? I can still remember how I felt. I was so proud of myself but at the same time I was sort of nonchalant about it all because it became a part of my life style. This is what I want and this is what I believe God has called me to. I know that God is calling me to be healthier and I want to follow his command.
In either case, I was encouraged by this dream because I was able to envision my self and see the success of what my persistence could bring. Now know that I am not naïve and think that I can lose 15 lbs just doing sit ups and push ups alone. Duh. But this is a motivator. I have already been more conscientious of what I eat, especially since I buy my own food. Still need to break this soda habit. I've been on this Coca- Cola craving for like a month. I think they put the coke back in it! Anyway to get to the point. A big part of our success is casting vision of where we want to be or where we could be. Be a dare devil and even vision the impossible and see God work through that. This week I had the pleasure of hearing a pastor from Chicago speak. He created a ministry within the community, with little to no money. He thought it was impossible but God made it possible and now today he is the author of a book that encourages pastors all over the country. So, as we are beginning to break out of this insecure phase in our lives( notice I said phase because we are transitioning into something better) cast vision. Begin to see yourself as you wish to see yourself, without any thoughts of what others want. Seek God and see what He wants.
Disciple
I wonder if I would compare to a disciple. Can I even call myself as such, if anything, that's what I feel most connected to. God told them to leave all things behind to follow Him, and I have done the same. With little money I've left my home, to stay true to the home within my heart which is Jesus Christ.
But can I call myself a disciple quite yet. I have not ministered to the poor but I've conversated with them. Maybe I have ministered to one with a smile or a simple hello. About a week ago I smiled and greeted this woman and she called me sister. In that moment could we have ministered to each other. Can I be called a disciple quite yet as I try to find myself in Christ and lose the self I've created so that I can truly take on His image.
Would I be a considered a disciple yet? I have left my home to inquire knowledge about the Son of Man, through biblical teaching and action?
Am I disciple?
But can I call myself a disciple quite yet. I have not ministered to the poor but I've conversated with them. Maybe I have ministered to one with a smile or a simple hello. About a week ago I smiled and greeted this woman and she called me sister. In that moment could we have ministered to each other. Can I be called a disciple quite yet as I try to find myself in Christ and lose the self I've created so that I can truly take on His image.
Would I be a considered a disciple yet? I have left my home to inquire knowledge about the Son of Man, through biblical teaching and action?
Am I disciple?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
God is Still God
I don’t know how to put it any other way, but I feel like shit today. I woke up this morning so encouraged to hear God speak, to worship Him, and by the end of the day I feel fat, lonely, and defeated. I feel so lost I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel stranded with nowhere to go internally. I feel like there are so many gaps in my life right now. And I’m trying to make sure I fill them with the right things, but it gets harder every day. Trust me I haven’t lost hope, I know God is a great God, but I know He is a God who tests us and brings us through trials to make us stronger. But it’s hard. I feel no sense of purpose out here, I’m doing absolutely nothing and I hate it. I know God has brought me out here to expand my view of life. My ministry outlook and worldview has to be bigger than PA, New Jersey, and Indiana. I have to be a part of ministry that knows homelessness that knows racial injustice that knows poverty, hell I’m on the verge of it. There’s a whole world in need, I have to get involved with it
It sucks at times because I really have to start over. Everything is beginning from a new and I’m trying to find myself in the midst of it. I’m becoming anew woman, but I don’t even know what I’m reaching for. There’s just so much going on within me and externally. I’m trying to gain confidence little by little, I’m trying to find a job, I’m trying to find a sense of purpose, I’m trying to discover my call, I’m trying to make decisions in my life and I don’t hear a darn thing. God chooses to speak when He feels like it but goodness its hard waiting sometimes. I am such an emotional wreck.
In the midst of it all God is still God. I will remain faithful, because I have to; it’s the only thing I know how to do. No I will remain faithful because that's what my heart draws me to do. I call on Him and I’ll knock on His door ever day just hoping that I get an answer. But maybe it won’t come the way I want. Maybe God is just calling me to be responsible and make decisions for myself to build the woman I want to become. I wish this road wasn’t so lonely, but maybe it has to be, but I don’t want it to be that way because I chose it to be that way.
P.s. Excuse my word choice. I do apologize.
It sucks at times because I really have to start over. Everything is beginning from a new and I’m trying to find myself in the midst of it. I’m becoming anew woman, but I don’t even know what I’m reaching for. There’s just so much going on within me and externally. I’m trying to gain confidence little by little, I’m trying to find a job, I’m trying to find a sense of purpose, I’m trying to discover my call, I’m trying to make decisions in my life and I don’t hear a darn thing. God chooses to speak when He feels like it but goodness its hard waiting sometimes. I am such an emotional wreck.
In the midst of it all God is still God. I will remain faithful, because I have to; it’s the only thing I know how to do. No I will remain faithful because that's what my heart draws me to do. I call on Him and I’ll knock on His door ever day just hoping that I get an answer. But maybe it won’t come the way I want. Maybe God is just calling me to be responsible and make decisions for myself to build the woman I want to become. I wish this road wasn’t so lonely, but maybe it has to be, but I don’t want it to be that way because I chose it to be that way.
P.s. Excuse my word choice. I do apologize.
Friday, September 25, 2009
After several hours of going through the day I decided to get past my self and the pain in my adominals by kicking back a nice dosage of Advil and some water. And poof my attitude changed, what a magic trick. But the most important part is that I got beside myself. Today I was able to focus on something other than myself after realizing how much of an internal whiner I am. And suddenly, I just feel good. But not a good that can come from an Advil, Aleve, or any other type of drug. I just feel good. I guess simply because GOd's goodness is in me. That's the most pleasing feeling in the world.
I am pleased to see how much joy God has placed in my heart and given me so much security. He has given my passiona and desire. He has given me a pat on the rear end and pushed me along; given me a boost kind like Red Bull but without the wings. I am sincerely inspired by so much. I can't even described it. It's funny how my mind is finding the words to say, because I had absolutely no intention to talk about this. But right now I am beginning to take the proper steps to become a writer. I have officially written it as a part of my life goals and by gee golly gosh I am trying to make it happen. I've begun to go over my poems and writings again. I even designed a cover. Woop woop. I'm just inspired by life right now. By people, by friends and family, by my environment. For instance there is this woman who I pass nearly everyday. And she usually always finds something nice to say to me by giving me a compliment. The first time I walked pass her, I gave her eye contact and said hello. And she replied, "Hi you doing beautiful. Yes you are beautiful" Another time she called me a nubian queen. I was just blushing with joy. Just the other day I passed her and she asked for a dollar for food and ofcourse I gave it to her. The store was right there. Thinking about our acquiantance I am encouraged to know that we have so much to give and we can give so much in little ways. Sometimes we see value only monitarily. Sure I helped her out by giving her a dollar but she helped me by encouraging me those days I walked passed her after job hunting and feeling discouraged at times.
I am inspired by life and I am living. I am inspired by God and I'm living because of Him. I will close by putting an Amen stamp on that!
I am pleased to see how much joy God has placed in my heart and given me so much security. He has given my passiona and desire. He has given me a pat on the rear end and pushed me along; given me a boost kind like Red Bull but without the wings. I am sincerely inspired by so much. I can't even described it. It's funny how my mind is finding the words to say, because I had absolutely no intention to talk about this. But right now I am beginning to take the proper steps to become a writer. I have officially written it as a part of my life goals and by gee golly gosh I am trying to make it happen. I've begun to go over my poems and writings again. I even designed a cover. Woop woop. I'm just inspired by life right now. By people, by friends and family, by my environment. For instance there is this woman who I pass nearly everyday. And she usually always finds something nice to say to me by giving me a compliment. The first time I walked pass her, I gave her eye contact and said hello. And she replied, "Hi you doing beautiful. Yes you are beautiful" Another time she called me a nubian queen. I was just blushing with joy. Just the other day I passed her and she asked for a dollar for food and ofcourse I gave it to her. The store was right there. Thinking about our acquiantance I am encouraged to know that we have so much to give and we can give so much in little ways. Sometimes we see value only monitarily. Sure I helped her out by giving her a dollar but she helped me by encouraging me those days I walked passed her after job hunting and feeling discouraged at times.
I am inspired by life and I am living. I am inspired by God and I'm living because of Him. I will close by putting an Amen stamp on that!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Awkward Moments
Every now and again I tend to go through my little emotional tangent where I feel like no one gets me. But yay God I have not experienced it in a while but I now realize why I felt that way so often; why I felt that no one really got me. Here's the final answer, the lights grow dim and the spotlight is on, the dramatic music plays and comes to a halt. The answer is: A. I am weird! I mean other people, at least the ones who get to know me think I'm pretty cool, and I think so too, but I know that I'm a weirdo. Not in a wacky way though; probably had you worried for a second.
Ok so how did I come to this realization. Pleassee let me tell you! Well I was talking to my dearest and closest friend who told me about a person he had an encounter with. He begins to list some of her characteristics, behaviors, and interactions with other. As I am listening, I realize I relate to some of these things all to well. With my head cocked to the side and my eyes wandering aimlessly falling into semi deep thought I say to myself, "That's me. OO shoot that's me." Luckily I'm at a mature stage in my life where I can laugh about it all or else I would be crying deeply in my pillow. Haha. Let me proceed to give you a list of things I've noticed:
1. I'm boring!
Well I am funny, but only with people I know pretty well or people I get an instant connection with
2. The best way I know how to connect with people is when I know their dealing with something or more of a deeper context. By nature I love to help people and sadly enough by nature I don't know really know how to interact with people. Bummer right. I know!
3. In relation to #2 I can be socially awkward because at times I don't know what to say around people. I hate being in large crowds, I don't like talking on the phone because I don't really ever have anything to say or know what to ask, I don't really like parties or social events. Especially when you get into circles and everyone asks the same dang questions and it feels like the evening is on replay. THat's boring to me!
4. I am a loner, and that's why I am alone.
I always wondered why people never called me to hang out as much as I would like and its because I'm boring. Now that makes me laugh hysterically. I find some hope in this .I am a weirdo but I don't have to be.
So I did two things to remove myself from this cycle. Usually when people invite me to large crowds I decline and accept a beautiful invitation to sit at home, watch movies, write , paint, or play the Sims. So today I went to this little greeters reception at church to meet some people and learn more about the church.It was kinda lame but I got 1/4 of a muffin and a little piece of pastry. Check yes. Tonight I went to an event to get to know my neighbors within the apartments. I wanted to leave within the first 10 minutes probably was five if I actually looked at the time. But I stayed for 50 minutes although I was the first to leave. I felt awkward.lol. Well hey it was a step dangit.
Well I still have a lot of work to do. But cheers I making strides.
P.S. I want to give a shot out to my dad because he ignited this inner search I've started to journal. Thanks to mi madre for always being honest about the things she sees. I guess I do have some tough skin to shed. Amen for parent!
Ok so how did I come to this realization. Pleassee let me tell you! Well I was talking to my dearest and closest friend who told me about a person he had an encounter with. He begins to list some of her characteristics, behaviors, and interactions with other. As I am listening, I realize I relate to some of these things all to well. With my head cocked to the side and my eyes wandering aimlessly falling into semi deep thought I say to myself, "That's me. OO shoot that's me." Luckily I'm at a mature stage in my life where I can laugh about it all or else I would be crying deeply in my pillow. Haha. Let me proceed to give you a list of things I've noticed:
1. I'm boring!
Well I am funny, but only with people I know pretty well or people I get an instant connection with
2. The best way I know how to connect with people is when I know their dealing with something or more of a deeper context. By nature I love to help people and sadly enough by nature I don't know really know how to interact with people. Bummer right. I know!
3. In relation to #2 I can be socially awkward because at times I don't know what to say around people. I hate being in large crowds, I don't like talking on the phone because I don't really ever have anything to say or know what to ask, I don't really like parties or social events. Especially when you get into circles and everyone asks the same dang questions and it feels like the evening is on replay. THat's boring to me!
4. I am a loner, and that's why I am alone.
I always wondered why people never called me to hang out as much as I would like and its because I'm boring. Now that makes me laugh hysterically. I find some hope in this .I am a weirdo but I don't have to be.
So I did two things to remove myself from this cycle. Usually when people invite me to large crowds I decline and accept a beautiful invitation to sit at home, watch movies, write , paint, or play the Sims. So today I went to this little greeters reception at church to meet some people and learn more about the church.It was kinda lame but I got 1/4 of a muffin and a little piece of pastry. Check yes. Tonight I went to an event to get to know my neighbors within the apartments. I wanted to leave within the first 10 minutes probably was five if I actually looked at the time. But I stayed for 50 minutes although I was the first to leave. I felt awkward.lol. Well hey it was a step dangit.
Well I still have a lot of work to do. But cheers I making strides.
P.S. I want to give a shot out to my dad because he ignited this inner search I've started to journal. Thanks to mi madre for always being honest about the things she sees. I guess I do have some tough skin to shed. Amen for parent!
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