God is Still God

I don’t know how to put it any other way, but I feel like shit today. I woke up this morning so encouraged to hear God speak, to worship Him, and by the end of the day I feel fat, lonely, and defeated. I feel so lost I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel stranded with nowhere to go internally. I feel like there are so many gaps in my life right now. And I’m trying to make sure I fill them with the right things, but it gets harder every day. Trust me I haven’t lost hope, I know God is a great God, but I know He is a God who tests us and brings us through trials to make us stronger. But it’s hard. I feel no sense of purpose out here, I’m doing absolutely nothing and I hate it. I know God has brought me out here to expand my view of life. My ministry outlook and worldview has to be bigger than PA, New Jersey, and Indiana. I have to be a part of ministry that knows homelessness that knows racial injustice that knows poverty, hell I’m on the verge of it. There’s a whole world in need, I have to get involved with it
It sucks at times because I really have to start over. Everything is beginning from a new and I’m trying to find myself in the midst of it. I’m becoming anew woman, but I don’t even know what I’m reaching for. There’s just so much going on within me and externally. I’m trying to gain confidence little by little, I’m trying to find a job, I’m trying to find a sense of purpose, I’m trying to discover my call, I’m trying to make decisions in my life and I don’t hear a darn thing. God chooses to speak when He feels like it but goodness its hard waiting sometimes. I am such an emotional wreck.
In the midst of it all God is still God. I will remain faithful, because I have to; it’s the only thing I know how to do. No I will remain faithful because that's what my heart draws me to do. I call on Him and I’ll knock on His door ever day just hoping that I get an answer. But maybe it won’t come the way I want. Maybe God is just calling me to be responsible and make decisions for myself to build the woman I want to become. I wish this road wasn’t so lonely, but maybe it has to be, but I don’t want it to be that way because I chose it to be that way.
 
P.s. Excuse my word choice. I do apologize.