One day while with my mom, she called me out on a habit that I perform quite often. I walk with my head down. She told me this approximately 2 years ago. And I concurred fully aware that I don't really give people eye contact when I pass them on the streets. Upon other observations, I noticed it's easier for me to say hello to a female stranger than it is a guy; it's not that I am fearful of males , but maybe find myself more self conscious around them. But, gradually this habit is going away; every now and then I give people eye contact, but I think I definitely don't hold my head down as much. Personally, sometimes I think I do it because I'm thinking. If you know me well, you know that I think a lot.
So what's the point? I'm getting there. Being here in Cali I find myself smiling more. I wasn’t all smiles and joy getting use to the heat. Walking around in Pasadena some days feels like I'm sinning and too close to hell. JK. No but I find myself smiling more even if my days isn't going well. I am beginning to surprise myself because I am saying hello to people on the street. Isn't odd I find myself a bit more friendlier with people in an area which would be categorized as unsafe in some eyes. I found myself saying hello to men, not that I was attracted to any of them, but just being cordial.
But that fact is, I'm walking down the street just smiling for no reason at all. I'm not frowning unintentionally scaring people away from approaching me, but I am smiling with content in my heart and maybe just a bit more confidence. I know this sounds cheesy but I feel good, it's all quite refreshing. I think I becoming a new person everyday.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Reverse Psychology: Sometimes it really works!
So I did something really dumb today, well possibly not as dumb as I would like to think. But I decided to be bold today and I applied for a position I didn't think I was qualified for or at least was afraid to apply. Prior to my lovely bold job hunt and applying hoopla I had a brief conversation with my mother. I told her the job hunt was not going as well as I would like ( that's real life for you). I was a bit hesitant to apply for ministerial jobs because I don't feel as though I am ready. My plan is to find a church and to get heavily involved serving as volunteer, youth leader, and interning under a pastor. Little baby steps is what I would prefer. But I notice with a BS in Christian Ministries there are not many jobs I can apply for and you know what I'm not even trying to be picky right now. Well just a little.
So anywho, I took a leap. There was this paper I had on my desk for a while. It's one of those tabs that you pull of a flyer. This particular flyer was for a job working at a church. Here's the ting on the little slip it just has contact info so I definitely forgot what church it was from and what position. On the back of the slip was office assistant which I wrote myself sometime ago.
Well in either case, I emailed the contact person, confident thinking I was applying for an office assistant position but not fully sure. Well minutes later I receive a email saying thank you for applying for the youth director position. Are you kidding me! The very thing I was running from is the very thing I applied for. Seriously I can see God laughing at me hysterically. All I can do is laugh to myself but in all honesty I wonder, " What is God thinking right?".
Instantly after realizing what I applied my spirit got eager and my nerves began to kick in. I thought to myself omigoodness I need to read this, I need to go over my notes from college, I need to learn this. Its sad that the thing I was running from seemed to motivate me or encourage me to do what I'm most scared to do.
So what was God thinking after my act of stupidity? Was He thinking Nashira I want you to stop being fearful of using the gifts that I called you to use. I want you stop relying on your own capabilities, because if you step out a little bit more, I will guide you the rest of the way." Some may say that coming out to Cali was a big step and it was, but it didn't seem so hard to do. But this, walking into the role of a pastor scares me the most. When I say I feel unqualified, I mean it. But God is equipping! But God is mentoring me! But God is strengthening me day by day to walk in His favor.
So here's to another day of losing myself, loosing the insecure me.
"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
Matthew 10:39
So anywho, I took a leap. There was this paper I had on my desk for a while. It's one of those tabs that you pull of a flyer. This particular flyer was for a job working at a church. Here's the ting on the little slip it just has contact info so I definitely forgot what church it was from and what position. On the back of the slip was office assistant which I wrote myself sometime ago.
Well in either case, I emailed the contact person, confident thinking I was applying for an office assistant position but not fully sure. Well minutes later I receive a email saying thank you for applying for the youth director position. Are you kidding me! The very thing I was running from is the very thing I applied for. Seriously I can see God laughing at me hysterically. All I can do is laugh to myself but in all honesty I wonder, " What is God thinking right?".
Instantly after realizing what I applied my spirit got eager and my nerves began to kick in. I thought to myself omigoodness I need to read this, I need to go over my notes from college, I need to learn this. Its sad that the thing I was running from seemed to motivate me or encourage me to do what I'm most scared to do.
So what was God thinking after my act of stupidity? Was He thinking Nashira I want you to stop being fearful of using the gifts that I called you to use. I want you stop relying on your own capabilities, because if you step out a little bit more, I will guide you the rest of the way." Some may say that coming out to Cali was a big step and it was, but it didn't seem so hard to do. But this, walking into the role of a pastor scares me the most. When I say I feel unqualified, I mean it. But God is equipping! But God is mentoring me! But God is strengthening me day by day to walk in His favor.
So here's to another day of losing myself, loosing the insecure me.
"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
Matthew 10:39
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