More than a Present

I've been able to reflect on a lot since the last few months. I've been thinking about my life and where I want to be; goals I would like to reach; new hopes and dreams. I've thought of my behaviors, my strengths, and weaknesses and where they have lead me. Most importantly I've thought of my relationship with God.

Today as I was reading a book called Compassion, forcing myself to be productive on a Saturday although feeling tired with school being the last on my mind. But as I was reading this book for some reason I just felt compelled to spend time with Jesus in a way that I hadn't before. I went to my room sat on my bed and just worshipped. I began with Come Lord Jesus Come, as I response to welcoming Him in. Afterward I just let the words flow from my lips and worshipped him in song. Lastly I found myself on my knees in a position I hadn't prayed in, for a while. From that point everything that came out of my was so refreshing, enlightening especially for the journey that I have been going through.

Since September I found myself saying to the Lord during our time together, " I am here". But as I reflect I can here them in so many different tones and attitudes. "I am here" with enthusiasm as enter Cali for the first time, responded to God as if I had arrived to the exact place he told me to be. "I am here" with a feeling of anxiousness awaiting God's next demand of me,eager to serve. " I am here" feeling slightly ignored awaiting God's reply. "I am here" slightly upset and feeling abandoned. Feeling disappointed because I feel as though my expectations of how things were suppose to go weren't fulfilled. "I am here!" lost within myself, desperate for answers, presenting myself before the Lord weak wondering what else do you want me to do, "I am here" just as you told me.

Maybe I had to go through that three month long journey which seemed like forever struggling in my weakness, struggling with my future, and the map that I made for myself, struggling seeking God's direction. But as I enter this new year I can give God so much more than I am here. I can respond to Him with a new strength that most times can only come from suffering. I can respond and say that I am willing and able. Willing and able according to God's timing, according to God's plan. I'm giving him the clean sheet of paper and pen to write my story. I am ready in a way that I couldn't have been months ago. Now I am ready without prejudice, pride, false strength, leaving behind stubbornness and walls that only leave me like a teenager stuck in one room in a 20 room mansion. There has to be much more than being present but being a presence. It's like a teacher calling attendance making note of every child, but there are some who never really seem there.

So I am saying to God I want to be here. I am here.