Stars: A moment of Reality

You ever have those experiences in life that will forever remain with you. It's as if you can go back to that moment and experience all of its senses and emotions, the people you were around and what they meant to you. One of those very memories existed on the grounds of Mont Lawn Camp. I remember asking the Lord days before this moment to give me opportunity to really have a great, impactful moment when dedicated women of God and I could fellowship. The night came. Two other friends and I somehow came together and found ourselves gazing at the stars on the black top. There was something so beautiful about that night as the stars seemed to gleam so much brighter and the Pennsylvania mountain air seemed so sweet, and the breeze felt so precious. It was as if we gazed at the stars as if we were having a conversation with it.
So much happened that evening. The entire night was eventful within itself. We got rained because we were the courageous three who decided to sleep outside the tent.To find shelter we went to the side room of the chapel at 4:00 am and fell asleep to a Land Before Time. Prior to that we were in the chapel praying for one another and affirming abilities and gifts we saw in one another. There was something special about that night, there was something special in that starry night. That night we sat outside looking at the stars just taking in our lives, our experiences and really just spending time with God. A year and months passed since then, but every time I see a starry night its like I go back to that very moment where I remember a moment of peace and serenity. I can remember that hopeful calm knowing that God was doing something great in our lives. Every time a beautiful starry night appears I am reminded that God is still making a way. I am reminded that there are people all over this country who love me and pray for me. I am reminded of two friends who pray for me.

At times I wish I had those starry nights where I could just think hopeful and be reminded that God is working everything out for me as I speak. Right now as I look at my life I would say that I am grateful for where God has called me. My current circumstances are not as ideal as I would like but I know God is working in my favor.
Still its a funny feeling. Maybe you can relate. You ever find yourself in God's waiting room. It's like going to an interview. You worked so hard and acquired the skills that you believe will help you get to the next pinnacle, to the next stage so to speak but you find yourself in the waiting wondering if you will move on or be summons to wait a little longer and work a little harder. Right now I am in my waiting room wondering what's the next level for me. At times I find myself discouraged wondering "when will that time come". Have I prepared myself well enough? Did I forget something? There are times in the day where my spirit grows anxious and I wonder if I made the right move in moving out here. But of course I know I did, because I followed God's call. But I have to remind myself not to get caught up, as it so easy to do. All I can say is that I am here Lord and I believe, I have hope, I know I am loved, I have peace, and I know that I know that I know you will work everything out for me. Amen

Risk Taker

So I finally took a huge risk in my life; I moved to California. Why? Solely because God told me too. I just recently graduated from college and praying diligently about what the next step should be and he revealed it to me in a cute, sly way. Although I would not list one of God's attributes anything near sly but you know how God moves and shows you things in places you never expected. For me it was in a movie and through a gift that I received confirmation. Huh who would of known. But here I am in California still shocked after an official week of being here. It's like I've been dropped off in a foreign land. But God is beginning to work through this time of official being out on my own with no family near, no friends, or anything near me. Right now I just have me and a cool roommate who I am getting to know and already appreciate. But as I am beginning to understand and make my way through this foreign place God is making me aware of the things that have become foreign within myself. He's gradually opening my eyes to passions I have and encouraging me to get out of my comfort zone and follow my passion. He's encouraging me to use my talents and reach out for more. I have the ability to be whoever I want to be out here. No one knows me, but I can choose to make myself known. The reality is I have to, because I can’t survive on the opposite side of the country alone. Reality is at this age in my life I can't let fear and insecurity hold me back.

After graduating from college reality seems to hit you hard and fast. It's like an emotional roller coasting where you feel so accomplished after achieving something you worked years for and then realizing you have so many years left to accomplish much more. It's like working hard to get ahead of the game and sometimes you feel as if you are right back at the end of the line. The cycle begins again for some of us; and sometimes that cycle goes a bit slower for us than the rest. But knowing this cycle or journey I am on or you are on not matter what age or stage in life we can’t sit waiting for things to happen for us. We can't let fear be our permanent shadow reminding us of what we can't and shouldn't do.

So today I am encouraged to try something new, at least try. I am encouraged to get out of myself, to get out of this shell and try. If I want to grab some canvases, paint and try to sell them what's the worst that can happen. No one buys them and I get to hold on to the beautiful things I cherish and created. I am encouraged to sing at a local coffee shop, and let my voice be heard. What’s the worst that can happen, well I can suck truthfully, that's a possibility, but the courage that it took to do something like that is valuable within itself.

Just today I heard Obama speak to the nation about education and he proceeded to say that failure in a lot of ways is our biggest motivator; it is what thrives us for success. So even if I fall once I have taken a risk it just makes it easier to do it again. Eventually I will succeed.

But on the other hand we shouldn’t take risks on everything, we have to know our battles amen. I would definitely encourage spending time in prayer for God to really inspire the gifts and talents He wants you to use. But I would also say don't make such a big deal about it and get all frantic "just do it like" Nike says. Easier said than done, right? Yeah I know. Hey just take small steps. You don't have to move across the country.

In closing I moved to California, knowing that God has something amazing for me here; knowing that I am meeting up with the woman God wants me to be. But if I want to be that I have to take risk, I have to be flexible, I have to be spontaneous, I have to ask for help, I have to get out of my comfort zone.

Take risks! Start today if you can.

IDK: A personal setback

I don't know is declared as one of the most frequent phrases used amongst people. Nothing at all shocking about that; it seems like a normal part of our vocabulary to express our awareness in a particular situation. It's funny how that term is used to express our situational wellbeing. Have you ever found yourself answering a question with "I don't know" simple because you don't feel like exerting the energy to answer the question whether it be a long or short answer. For you, it just might not be a good day or a good moment, in which you really just don't feel like speaking. Maybe you use this phrase because you actually don't know. Or you say it because your insecure.

I use to always get on my dad for getting on me when I would ask him questions. I could tell he would get annoyed because he would reply with several questions trying to pull the answer out. At times I felt like an idiot as he would ask me questions but it was just his way of saying, "You know the answer". I guess I was afraid of being wrong. Maybe I didn't want the disappointment that came from being wrong .

In either case, this thought of I don’t know came from a simple conversation with my roommate. She discovered one of my talents from my big mouth sister who promotes my gifts as if she is my manager or agent. Before I told her that at times I get shy when singing in front of others, and at times I don't like to. Not to toot my own horn, yes I do think I have a good voice but I guess that's just the way I felt. She proceeded to ask me why I didn't want to sing in front of others, and can you guess what my response was….. I don't know. Hmm, this simple conversation has me thinking. Really analyzing my response. I told her maybe I was insecure. "Huh maybe, Nashira? Maybe?"

I began to see that my I don't know's have become an excuse to continue on with life without question. Without my own self the deep questions of why. Why am I insecure about singing in front of others when God has blessed me with a gift to touch others with my must. There has to be a time when our I don't knows especially the ones that pertain the person we are inside has to be answered.

Have you asked yourself the hard questions today and wondered why you do the things you do or say the things you say. I don't know is not enough. We all have a responsibility to ourselves; to our well beings. Because the I don't knows grow like fungus and entrapping us into a place where its even harder to get out. That's when our habits turn to addictions because we having answered the I don't know's of our lives. Or maybe you become like me where my lack of confidence has flooded into other areas of my life year by year and I'm stuck wondering how did I get there.

Don't let your I don't know's become your new illness.

Bad Habits

Oasis

You can call food my "emotional oasis"
It seems that when I find myself in a desert place or what seems like it may get there
I run to the pit and perch my lips to the bliss which I believe will fill my emptiness
Even if it had no taste I would embrace it
My emotions right now I cannot face it
So I draw near to this habitual sin that calls me throughout the day and night
Captured by its scent I don't take flight
I have the control to eat what I like but I can't control this urge as I eat all that I like

Wish I did have the strength to fight
As I indulge myself
What's not so encouraging now, was encouraging then
Because now I don't look the same way I looked then
So I get depressed again knowing I'm trapped and will soon go back to then
And I think to myself "when"?

When will things change, when will I take control over my habits
At this point I think I've had it
But I think about food sometimes and wish I had it
Especially in times that helps me fill my habit
Those times when I feel as though a part of me has been stolen by a bandit

Maybe I over dramatized this poem but this issue is important
Cause there are girls and boys, men and women who find strength in what feels their stomach

As our bellies grow bigger, our esteem grows thinner, our control grows distant, and our wall gets thicker.